one fine day ♥

Not saying much says alot

2010-08-10T22:34:00.005+08:00

I could sum it up succintly what I've learnt in these few months with one painful reality- Too often, what we need and want to do are on extreme ends of the same continuum.

_______________________________________

Life has been a flurry of activities, life changing events and several significant milestones (some ten steps forward, some eleven steps backward).

I am now a fellow slave of the working force. To the people who wake up on a rainy morning wishing you didn't have to be at work like in an hour. To the people who experience anxiety every single day wondering if you missed your bus and if you'd be late for work. To the people who struggle so hard to keep awake at 2.30pm but stick on till 7pm anyway. To the people who wished that their job was as easy as a...erm. (Nothing's easy in life isn't it?) My greatest comfort to you is that, you have to live with it till retirement. No, kidding. You are not alone. (Such a sense of solidarity. Haha)

I am hired as a Child Protection Officer at MCYS. Most people don't know what MCYS stands for till you go "Vivian Bala...". Yup. It used to be one of my superfluous dreams. Surreal as it seems, it has become my reality. Still feels strange crossing this milestone sometimes. I feel much excitement on most days. But not denying the incredible fear I wake up to everyday wondering if I am going to make it, or if anything I do would make a difference anyway. But I guess whether or not it does, at least I can say I tried and gave it my all.

I can't imagine a world I never lived in

2010-04-29T10:46:00.000+08:00

Hello world, I hope I didn't leave you in a dangle with the major hiatus that's been plaguing this blog just yet. It's been 4 months. It has been so long I don't even know how to start talking about everything. So much has happened, so much has changed.

This semester's been a crazy one filled with copious amounts of readings and assignments. After spending bulk of weeks with sleepless nights, I am finally done with my semester. And more specifically, I am finally done with school.

After all the years of toiling through the system- from the thrills of buying new textbooks, crying over forgetting to bring an exercise book to finding pleasure in exasperating teachers and getting detention and punishments from them, to surviving thundering heart palpitations during short skirt spot check days, to praying daily for buses to appear the moment I arrive at the bus stops so I won't get late and get a booking, to having cheap thrills of seeing my eye candies in school, to surviving major exams by the grace of God time and again, to skipping lectures and abusing the grace of God sometimes (Oops), stressing over group project members who make me wanna swear, to rushing essays the night before the due date, to sleepover studying sessions, to trying to wake up at 5am to cram for exams (And failing terribly!), to the first time caffeine lost it's effect on me- and I'm done and over with it.

Its bittersweet to look back. Some memories you want to relive, some you'd rather evade. If I did my math correctly, it's been 19 years. (Gosh, it's such a long period of time that I can tell my net members, "I've studied longer than you have existed.") As much as it sounds sadistic and sick in the mind, I miss school already.

It is with a certain ambivalent poignancy that I find myself saying this- I sat for my last exam yesterday. My mind has been thrown into a complete pandemonium since the surreality of it all has worn off. This is reality, Esther. This is it. The day you've been (supposedly) looking forward to. This is the end.

One thought nags incessantly at the back my head, the very question I am so afraid of asking, one I don't have an answer for: What now? I am severely averse to changes and everything else that comes with it. If there's one thing I am most of fearful of, it would be change. All of a sudden, I am robbed of all certainty, I feel like can't count on anything because nothing seems to remain. I know it's time to move on, but where to? Leave it all behind and embrace new things with open arms. But can I, really?

Argh, such is life.

2010-02-07T22:45:00.007+08:00

With reference to no event or person in particular, I am inclined to think that humans are such hopeless selfish beings. I don't know if it's just part and parcel of growing up but I've learnt to never take things at face value because people who do are labeled as plain naive.

Suddenly it seems to me like everything people do and say in public serves someone's of selfish agenda in a way or another. We give our change to beggars in exchange for the assurance that we've done our part and that we are 'good' people. I hope I'm wrong about this but I can't help but think that friendships and relationships are in some way self-serving. We choose friends that meet our needs, that we can clique with, so we have people to hang out with at our convenience. It's a thin line being rational and being selfish. But then again, what's being rational? Who and what are we making these decisions based on?

I'm sorry for being such a cynic and wet blanket. But I guess this proves to me, more than ever, that humans are wrecks without God. I am nothing without God. Perhaps that's why it's so hard to try to love someone, because no matter how much you love someone, that love is never ever unconditional. (Cos' we're stinking humans.) Only when God comes in, revolutionizes our hearts and our concept of love and giving, then are we able to Love.

2010-02-03T00:05:00.008+08:00

Sometimes I can't help but feel like my life now is made up of my yesterdays- opportunities that I allowed through my fingers, lousy decisions I've made, lost causes, mistakes. Like it or not, there were choices made, with consequences I have to live with now. One can try to make up for it but one must know that it's permanence is not effaceable. It's times like these that you start to wonder how much better your future could possibly be.

I find comfort in fairy tales and chick flicks because they make me believe that happy endings are not predisposed by perfect beginnings but disastrous ones. And of course, if God is God, then He shouldn't be limited by my hangups right?

2009-12-28T14:45:00.001+08:00

there are times where words are just not enough to help you speak

If I could ever

2009-11-03T23:55:00.003+08:00

If I can let you go as trees let go
Their leaves, so casually, one by one;
If I can come to know what they do know,
That fall is the release, the consummation,
Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit
Would not distemper the great lucid skies
This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.
If I can take the dark with open eyes
And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange
(for love itself may need a time of sleep)
And, treelike, stand unmoved before the change,
Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,
The strong root still alive under the snow,
Love will endure - if I can let you go.
-Autumn Sonnet; May Sarton

Fleeting memories

2009-11-02T19:31:00.027+08:00

Today marked my last day of school with Calories :'(

Change has been a constant all my life but somehow it's the one thing I can never get used to.
Am I unadaptable or just human?

Escapade

2009-10-27T23:58:00.018+08:00

Today was an ordinary day made extraordinary. It was nothing much but it meant a lot to me (: After a long tiring and dreadful day at school, our trip out of heartlands to run some errands turned into a really fun adventure! Call me deprived, but it has been awhile since I've had no appointments to rush to/worry about after school. We walked around clueless of our whereabouts, rather aimlessly, and found many interesting places!

I guess one of the reasons why Singaporeans find their country so boring is majorly because of the fact that we've never REALLY explored Singapore. We always go to the same hangouts, malls, stick with the routes we're familiar with. Perhaps then, it isn't Singapore that is boring, perhaps it us.

It might sound like a ludicrous idea, walking around without any agenda, especially when it's not like we don't have enough things on our hands already. I was telling KahYoke how weird I felt that I didn't really have anything to do/remember. We're too clocked up with checking the agendas on our to-do-lists that when we're forced to make time to rest, a sense of vacancy overtakes us. But being me, it didn't take me too long to get captivated by the awesomeness of the nothingness. Haha.

Don't we all wish that some days never ended? (: I seriously need to get started on my books now. Oh joy.

Now what do I do with the 3 dresses I didn't get to wear?

2009-10-26T22:56:00.013+08:00

and now, my favorite-est photo out of the lot:

10 years late. BIG SIGH.

Pardon me for the really frivolous entry. Haa.

At the brink of reality

2009-10-23T22:45:00.020+08:00

Since I couldn't stand another day wondering how awesome a place Hatched could be, I decided to head down with my copper girls (self proclaimed) this morning. But we all know how expectations could go both ways- they become disappointments or another appointment (Be back for more!). To our (awful) dismay, it was just alright. A tad overpriced, in fact. But the tranquil-countryside-like-location and the decor of the cafe made up for it! Nonetheless, there was no better way to start the day with two awesome friends :)

Here's joy being a pain, refuting a photo with the hottest girl in town (I assume you know I'm referring to Colleen the hottie). Such audacity, tsk tsk!

(:

Yea, so what if life's not so BOOMZ afterall? So reality is no fairytale. We all know that,whether we choose to come to terms with the fact or not. But that doesn't mean that life is devoid of gratifying and pleasant experiences. We speed through life failing to see an end to it, never completely understanding it, sulking our way through as we harp on the SHINGZ things.

Till we realise how we've actually got so much on our hands that we don't appreciate enough.

2009-10-23T02:04:00.017+08:00

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor any thing else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God." Romans 8:39

♥♥♥

Standing my ground

2009-10-16T00:45:00.016+08:00

Hello world! Can't believe the week whizzed past and it's Friday again. But this week has been good. In fact, I would think it's been a rather significant one for me. Nothing spectacular about this week in terms of events and happenings.

our mini grocery shopping trip + steamboat (:

dinner with secondary school friends (:

But more than anything, I've been finding my way back to where I began. Nothing beats have daily encounters with Him and hearing His voice. Nothing beats waking up each morning knowing that God is on your side and that He does not delight in seeing me in misery. Nothing beats living life knowing that He has an awesome and exciting plan for me. Nothing beats knowing a God who loves me so much more than anyone else could.

I love this place I'm in now. The feeling's awesome. Then this fear creeps in and tells me that this is a temporal feeling which would go away once something bad happens. And frankly, I'm afraid. I afraid that like all the other times, I falter. I'm so afraid that something will come and rob this away from me. Being the extremely easily affected person I am. Haa.

My friend asked me about the definition of Joy last night. (How timely) Well, it is not happiness. It is something that you can’t conjure up. Something that comes from within. Something that only God can give. It is something lasting. It is not affected by circumstances. Because its base is not on how good circumstances are, but on God, who is unchanging, faithful and good. Having said that, then it is safe to say that one's circumstances can take away the feeling of happiness, but can never take away one's joy.

One sad truth about us humans is that we're always seeking. It's never enough. Most of the time, we seek happiness- whatever could make us feel good for the moment. Seek and you shall find right? I won't lie, because when I shop online, I do feel happy. Seek happiness, you'll find happiness. But the feeling happiness is temporal, because people/circumstances can rob it away. The story takes a turn when we begin to seek joy. How does one seek joy? You gotta go back to the source. The only one who can give you joy. And that's God.

You see, we know these stuff. We know it too well, but yet it's hard to put it into action. But I have to say, it's worth it. It is so worth it. It's sad knowing the existence of such a joy but never really knowing it. We settle for quick fixes and adrenaline shots. But the roller coaster ride is tiring. Maybe it's cos I feel jaded already, but I'm so sick of being luke warm. I want to live each day joyfully and meaningfully, for a sole purpose- Him. I really do. (:

Chasing after the wind

2009-10-11T11:59:00.000+08:00

I've said a thousand goodbyes, not realizing you've been long gone.

This shall be the last.
I am gonna pass the test, this time.
No matter how hard it's gonna be.
Cos' Your grace is sufficient for me.

HYPE!

2009-10-10T12:51:00.009+08:00

And so it's final, I'M GOING TO BKK with my dearest girls! I've been having random outbursts of exhilaration the past few days. The thought of buying online clothes at cost price? One word- SHUANG! I've been squandering (not like there's much to squander) my free time on lookbook and the fetish for boots has returned. I know how the combination of fat thighs and boots is such a disaster. And I know how depressing it would be if I went to bkk and could not to fit into any of the cheapo free size clothing. I'm very aware of how my supper habit has taken a toll on my weight. Therefore, I'm determined to curb my daily supper habits! With the upcoming Media Fast in Nov, Col and I are gonna save up $$ from online shopping! Abstinence is the way to go... For good things are worth waiting for. Hur.

I can barely wait! Jan seems so far away. Meanwhile, it's gonna be loads of excel sheets, books, exams, project deadlines, conference meetings, care and share, weddings, 21st parties, Christmas production stuff. I'm thinking if I should go extract my wisdom teeth (4 to be exact) in Dec? Then again, I'm extremely petrified. We'll see. Now, everyone say Hello to the weekends. Haa.

♥

2009-10-08T23:22:00.001+08:00

2009-10-05T23:37:00.013+08:00

Here I am, sitting in my dimly lit room with my new lamp from Ikea, listening to the silence. It's a beautiful sound I tell you. It's an awesome feeling- to be able to slow down, take a breather and unwind (even though it's 2.30am in the morning and I should be sleeping). Life hasn't been any less crazy. But I'm learning to manage my time a little better I think. It's elearning week and I'm supposedly less busy but doesn't seem like it at all. Hur. Anw, I had an awesome day at ikea! I go crazy at the thought of being at Ikea and smelling the aroma of new furniture, meatballs, daim cake!

2009-09-30T13:20:00.003+08:00

After living 21 years of my life, it is no surprise to me that life is never without pain or sorrow. My positivism lasted me what, one day? For once I felt free, I felt really happy from within. But many things happened yesterday and ha, everything crumbled. Well, life presents so many ways to deal with pain and sorrow. The temptation to escape by fighting, reasoning, forgetting, by drowning the trouble with activity, by shutting oneself out from the world, by surrendering to defeat and sullen resentment always seems too real to evade. Yet, what is peace? I found this on a friend's blog last night and it helped me understand:

He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease."
But vain the word, vain, vain;
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, "I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease."
But vain, the word, vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace.

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
But vain the word, vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit, I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?"
But vain the word, vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain:
For in Acceptance lieth peace.

- Amy Carmichael

Acceptance that You are Sovereign and Just. Acceptance of the fact that You are bigger than the biggest impossibilities. Acceptance of the fact that before I utter a word, You already know. Acceptance that even though I'm scared to bits about the future, You will walk beside me and guide me. Acceptance of that fact that You alone, are always faithful and is always there for me, even if I don't feel it all the time.

I don't need positivism, what I need is Peace.

2009-09-29T01:41:00.000+08:00

Hello world! It's been awhile. Somehow my blog has evolved into "Esther's private(or not) emo" little space. It's kinda sad that every time some one comes up to me and go, "I read your blog.", I'd feel this deep sense of shame and naked-ness. Oh wellos, I only have myself to blame. Therefore, this post is not gonna be a prayer to God, lyrics of a depressing song, poem or quote. (Yea, for once! Haa.)

Well, truth is, I haven't been in my bestest state the entire year. It's hard to spell it all out here and I won't be so stupid to do so. But yes, all I can say is sometimes, all it ever takes is, one word from God, one glimpse of Him, one minute basking in His presence. I should have known better from the start but yea, it's been hard keeping my head above the surface for long. I honestly hope I can get back on my feet this time. Loads of physiotherapy needed, it's gonna hurt, but I'm ready for it. It's so tiring to be far away. Chrisitianity is not easy, no doubt, but I think I've learnt that it's better to be near Him than running away from Him all the time.

Okay, this post was supposed to be a happy one! (To redeem my tainted reputation of the emo-blogger.) Life's been real busy! Never been busier I think. I seem to be rushing from place to place everyday. Hur. Tuition 9 times a week since PSLE is next week, church stuff, meet ups, birthdays, suppers, shopping, school. *Breathes* Gotta really learn to make more time to slow down and wait on Him.

Good morning, sunshine.

2009-09-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

Had a lazy afternoon sipping tea and eating cakes in town with Jean. (: Seriously, what more could I ask for? Meet ups with her are always extremely precious! Perhaps it's because she lives a million miles away and I just don't have the privilege of seeing her often. But it's more than that, of course. There are people whom make you feel loads better after spending an hour with them. Frivolous talk about anything under the sun (happy things!) and most importantly, talks that turn our heads back to the right direction. I'm always extremely encouraged. (:

Can you ask your siblings to give birth more often so you can come back to S'pore more!
The cakes were seriously gooood!

I can never thank Him enough for you, really :')

I am blessed.

Return, O faithless soul.

2009-09-26T23:11:00.001+08:00

Jeremiah 2
v2 "I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness, in a land not sown."

v5 "What wrong did your fathers find in me that they went far from me, and went after worthlessness, and became worthless?"

v13 "For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water."

v19"Your evil will chastise you, and your apostasy will reprove you. Know and see that it is evil and bitter for you to forsake the Lord your God; the fear of Me is not in you."

v20-22 "For long ago I broke your yoke and burst your bonds; but your said, 'I will not serve.' yes, on every high hill and under every green tree you bowed down like a whore. Yet I planted you a choice vine, wholly of pure seed. How then have you turned degenerate and become a wild vine? Though you wash yourself with lye and use much soap, the stain of your guilt is still before me."

v28 "But where are your gods that you made for yourself? Let them arise, if they can save you, in your time of trouble; for as many as your cities are your gods, O Judah."

Jeremiah 3
v11 "Return, faithless Israel", declares the Lord. "I will not look on you in anger for I am merciful", declares the Lord.

Siesta!

2009-09-24T23:59:00.002+08:00

Jamie and I stayed up in the night to make that banner okay! (Haha, we're not great artists. But we tried...)

Happy birthday dearest :)

With hands lifted high

2009-09-22T03:30:00.005+08:00

I've been stuck in this rut for way too long.
I don't belong here.
I can't stay here any longer; not even another second.
And You are my only, only hope.

Take me back, won't You?

Jimmy

2009-09-13T00:35:00.011+08:00

Life takes many many turns. I can't believe I used to laugh at you and make you cry in secondary school all the time(bluffing you that you had pi sai in your nose). HAHA. I was mean, I admit. Well! What matters now is that we're such great pals. And you never fail to crack me up with your forthright self. HAHA. Thank you for all the fond memories- the times we laughed till we had stomach cramps (at others. oops), the times we slogged our lives under the command of the manly Madams we had(ohey), the late night suppers/chillout sessions. And of course, for forgiving me for all the pi-sai incidents. HAHA.

To many more years of our sisterhood! (:

Fighting the blues

2009-09-09T05:13:00.000+08:00

A night of surprises

2009-09-08T11:53:00.005+08:00

But I need you so much closer

2009-09-07T23:00:00.000+08:00

"the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more"

Bored of sickness

2009-09-03T20:58:00.003+08:00

I've been sick and lying on my bed for the past 3 days and I am seriously sick of tired of being sick. My perpetual urge to puke is enough for me to reconsider being a mother in the future. Nothing irks me more than my unproductivity. I can't wait to get on my feet and jump around without feeling lightheaded. I can't wait to be productive and be able to function normally. I need to catch up with my readings and start on my essays. I feel so bad that I had to give so many appointments a miss, and having other people do my job for me. I'm bored to my wits and my faculties are slowly dying on me.

In a nutshell, it sucks to be sick. (And busy.) RWAR.

On a lighter note, Dad never fails to crack me up.
Me: *whines* I keep feeling like puking. I ate medicine already. Why do I keep feeling this way?
Mum continues playing bejeweled on her cell.
Dad: *pauses* Girl ah, how to spell "puking"?
Mum: P,U,K,I,N,G.
Me: Tsk, I'm asking why I feel like puking not how to spell it! Rwar.
Dad and Mum bursts into laughter.
Me: It's not a joke!!! *whines*
Talk about missing the point. My dad OWNS.

Keep my heart

2009-09-01T03:19:00.002+08:00

The human heart is such a fragile little thing. We spend half our lives in hope of finding another to give our hearts to. Someone who'd keep it well and secure, someone who'd nurse it with love and tender care. We give bits and pieces of our hearts to people we think would do just that for us. Little do we realize that by doing that, we're subjecting ourselves to vulnerability. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. And sadly, humans are lousy governors of hearts.

Locking our hearts up and building walls around it could bring a form of pseudo security. But at the same time, it would make us such lonely civilians in our little desolated towns. So what do we do? Make it impenetrable and unbreakable by keeping it in a safe? Or lavish our hearts and be completely unguarded? Either way, we'd end up miserable... I figured.

Too often, I find myself struggling so much in this area. Yet, it's nothing complicated, really. When we find something that was lost, we find it's rightful owner and return it. Withholding it from it's owner and keeping it for oneself would be deemed as stealing. Similarly, the best way to keep our hearts is to return it to it's rightful Owner- it's Creator. The only One who loved it with His life. The only One who is able to guard, to protect, to convict, to mend when it breaks, to mould it into something beautiful... someday.

All packed, ready, set, go.

2009-08-28T02:50:00.000+08:00

After 4 months of daily routine of diving into piles of clothing to find a top, painstakingly stuffing them back into the cupboard (explains why my arms feel firmer by the day! Haha), closing the cupboard with much force in fear that everything might spill out again, I made a significant decision today- it was time to pack up the mess. Not because Daddy nagged me to, but I got quite freaked out by how comfortable I got with such a disastrous disorder.

It took me 2 hours. I wanted to give up after 30 mins. But I stuck though till the end. So, tadah! My clothes in stacks of 10. My bed could hardly contain my clothes. This is like... half of the pile. Haha.

Let's see how long this lasts. Ha.

The photoblog is back

2009-08-27T22:32:00.001+08:00

August was a crazy crazy crazy month. I'm glad I survived.

Eunice's XXth

Impromptu meet-up

Batam!

Pleasant surprises

Corporate picnic

tea for twenty one

my prayer wall :) spot yourself!

Dinner at chompchomp

Shopping & crystal jade!

Tanning session with drea&dot (which leaves me peeling :( Sigh. )

Birthdaysss

Island Creamery for the 3rd time in the month!

I was reading alone in borders for quite awhile. And when I lifted up my head, guess who was standing next to me reading. HAHA. This is called super fated. HAHA

Dinner with flowery3+thorn

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul in the process?" Matthew 16:25

Lifesong

2009-08-26T00:32:00.003+08:00

"Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness." -TWLOHA

Epiphanies of a 21 year old

2009-08-19T04:42:00.005+08:00

I’ve been waiting all my life to turn 21, because I had naively believed that being 21 years of age is synonymous with complete freedom and maturity. Sad to say, despite the 21 years of anticipation, the flutter of turning 21 is all gone, now that it has come to past. Honestly, it feels no different.

I spent the afternoon doing what I've always loved to- be alone and reflect. Of late, life has been rather hectic with all the replying of emails, church activities, meetings, planning for my 21st (well not exactly), school bidding, suppers, movies, shopping etc. In fact, it seems like the case the past 8 months. Time has surreptitiously slipped away (oh, what's new). I still remember penning down my resolutions for 09 so vividly. Alas, (didn't take me too long to realise) I've achieved none. How depressing. Haha.

I was seriously upset with myself for like 5 minutes. (Haha) Eventually, I snapped myself out of the extremely deporable state of mine, since it was my birthday and I didn't want to spoil it for myself. And so... I made a new resolution! Hur hur.

I want to be arithmetically incompetent.

I think one huge problem adults have is that we're too good with numbers- the number of times this person was nasty, the number of times that person treated me well, the number of times I did this for that person, the number of times I've fallen short. We're experts with the four operations of numbers. We're great at percentage and ratio. And, we're extremely sensitive to negative figures. (which we were not even aware of in primary school) We add. We subtract. We mutiply. We divide. We compare. We know statistics oh too well.

Too often, I find myself claiming that I wanna give God my all at altar calls but taking some back eventually when I realise, it's too much to give. But who am I to count my sacrifices to a God who has made the ultimate sacrifice by giving up His only son so that a wretch like me, might live?

Too often, I find myself counting up all my wrongs and trying to apologise my way back to Him. I wonder if it is even possible to count the number of times I've broken His heart. Even if I tried to be as righteous as I could be, I would still be unworthy, if not for His grace, isn't it?

Too often, I make too many assumptions about people and issues. I form my equations based on these assumptions and try to prove them. The strangest thing is that as we get older, we gradually get blinder to the impossibilities of the assumptions in our petty heads.

Too often, I find myself keeping score of what people do to me or to my loved ones though I claim to forgive them. The thing is, that it's too easy to hate, too easy to point fingers. The thing is, that anger gratifies you in ways that you cannot explain, and you hardly realize that anger demands sacrifices in return. The thing is, that resentment blinds you in a way, and you so often go wrong in the ways that you think you've been right. The thing is, that fury makes you forget. You forget that things don't have to be this complicated.

At the end of the day, nothing really matters. Numbers don't. Winning or losing a debate doesn't. Proving one's point right doesn't. Having a million friends doesn't. Who treated you right, who treated you wrong, doesn't.

What matters is what we give.

Cos' bitter, stingy and complaining people make real bad company.

Hello world

2009-08-15T00:54:00.010+08:00

Two more days till this larva morphs into a butterfly. It funny how you can turn into "an adult" overnight. At 2359 you are still a kid who makes frivolous decisions, gets petty over trivial matters, where silly mistakes are pardonable. Come 0000, and a million more responsibilities and pressures add on to the field pack on your back. You enter this whole new phase where you have to make your own decisions, pay your own bills, find a boyfriend to marry, go for a missions trip, and morph into a settled-matured-no-nonsense chap. Is this how growing up is like?

If that's the case, I'd rather not grow up. In fact, I never want to grow old. I don't ever wanna be too old to have fun, you know? I don't wanna look at my kids playing in the rain and go, "Hey come in, you're gonna fall sick!" or be too old for an "ugliest pose" competition.

In any case, I have surrendered to the fate that perhaps, I can never grow older in other's eyes. I'll always be daddy's little girl who gets a million calls of "Where are you? Come home now." at 10pm. I'll always have my aunties who think that I'm their little lovely princess. (Seriously blind la, which princess so fat and big one.) But I've always wished that people would not treat me as some flippant mindless girl who has nothing better to offer than noise. Sigh.

I make no attempt to defend myself for my outrageous outbursts of peculiarity. I see no need (I'm lying) for me to display my intellect and maturity to people who can't really be bothered to know me personally anyway. Haha. But honestly, I think one thing about growing up, you tend to bother about what others think of you. As much as I can say how only "people who matter, matter", the truth is, others' opinions (whether I know them or not) bugs me quite abit.

If I measure myself against society's standards of "growing up", I think grew younger and older in the week. This week has been arguably one of the craziest weeks I've had in awhile. Never had so many things in my hands- mails, planning, recce trips, liaseing with different people, phonecalls, balloting, school, (task-based! haha) shopping. I think I have displayed more self discipline than ever. (Yay for Esther.) Throughout the week, I whined like a baby, made some imprudent decisions, listened to taylor swift and jonas brothers, and today, I messed up my entire kitchen. So what? Did I grow older or younger?

I caught "Up!" with awesome friend the other day. It was an animination film that I wouldn't mind watching twice in the cinemas :) In fact, it was one of the movies that evoked much thoughts in my puny brain after I walked out of the cinemas. It taught me something about growing up. If there was a central theme of the movie, I would think it's 'letting go when it's time to'. :') Ironically, it seems like young children have less on their shoulders most of the time than we adults who have our baggage that reek of grudges and of regrets of "could have beens", which we hold so tightly to.

Funny how many times, we're stuck in between wanting to be a recognised grown up and feeling homesick from our doll houses all at the same time. How is this growing up process supposed to be? I'm left in a state of bewilderment of being a grown up and trying too hard in becoming one.

Till I'm ready

2009-07-26T01:01:00.008+08:00

I promise I'll be back soon :)

But he knows the way that I take: when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold. Job 23:10

Simple happy things

2009-07-24T01:56:00.011+08:00

I guess I really really missed being this carefree, this crazy, this fun.

I REALLY missed you girls... so so so so much :')

Distance

2009-07-19T02:10:00.008+08:00

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense You close, though I know You're always here
But the comfort of You near is what I long for

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue
knowing You're the only one who knows me
You know me

When I can't feel You, I have learnt to reach out just the same
When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I'm made more faithful

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should go
I count this world as lost to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

Sickee wants to be heatlhee

2009-07-17T09:53:00.020+08:00

Hello world, I've been rather ill for the past few days. Almost died while waiting for my turn at the doctor's yesterday. Got a 3 day MC. Strangely, the feeling of not being able to get back to work, or do any work for that matter, having to cancel so many appointments with friends and colleagues, not being able to be there with the rest on last day of work, SUCKS big time :(

I didn't expect placement to end this way but yea, I would have to go back to work next week to make up for it. I don't mind going back at all. Just that it's very difficult to rest with a million and one things on my mind now. I just want to get well NOW. Grar. Nonetheless, monday and tuesday were great :) HTHT with cyberfriend on monday night and potlucking with sydneysizers(3/4 of us) were enough to make this week a good one.

♥

2009-07-14T00:56:00.008+08:00

God works in really mysterious ways (:

The wild swans at Coole- W.B Yeats

2009-07-12T01:12:00.006+08:00

The trees are in their autumn beauty,
The woodland paths are dry,
Under the October twilight the water
Mirrors a still sky;
Upon the brimming water among the stones
Are nine-and-fifty swans.

The nineteenth Autumn has come upon me
Since I first made my count;
I saw, before I had well finished,
All suddenly mount
And scatter wheeling in great broken rings
Upon their clamorous wings.

I have looked upon those brilliant creatures,
And now my heart is sore.
All’s changed since I, hearing at twilight,
The first time on this shore,
The bell-beat of their wings above my head,
Trod with a lighter tread.

Unwearied still, lover by lover,
They paddle in the cold,
Companionable streams or climb the air;
Their hearts have not grown old;
Passion or conquest, wander where they will,
Attend upon them still.

But now they drift on the still water
Mysterious, beautiful;
Among what rushes will they build,
By what lake’s edge or pool
Delight men’s eyes, when I awake some day
To find they have flown away?

5

2009-07-10T01:03:00.019+08:00

I don't quite know how to feel about this.

It's just one of those nights. Too many things for my puny little brain to handle. Argh, going to bed.

So much for my sad song

2009-07-04T20:36:00.002+08:00

On a Saturday night like this, I could have been to the NDPpreview show and would have seen Clara and Shuann whom I miss dearly.
On a Saturday night like this, I could have been to the edge and would have been worshipping and serving the One I love.
On a Saturday night like this, I could have gone out for a nice meal with the people I miss so much.

On this Saturday night, I am lying on my bed, trying to recover from the lethargy in my body accumulated through toiling the long hours of work through the weeks.
On this Saturday night, I am afraid that God is pissed with me because I didn't go for service. It feels strange. (Typing it out made me realise how ridiculous this sounds.)
On this Saturday night, I am facing my computer trying to finish up the insurmountable amount of unfinished work as quickly as I can.
On this Saturday night, I am eating my packed cai fan from the coffeeshop all by myself.
On this Saturday night, I am already missing the people who are leaving for Sydney tmr and on monday terribly.

I dislike people who complain about everything and anything. Yet, more often than not, I am one of them. I guess in every situatation, there are always things to be thankful about. A situation is what you make out of it, determined by what you choose to dwell on. (Omgosh, did I just come up with that!? Wow, I'm like teaching myself things.) Okay, let me try reconstructing my post again...

On this Saturday night, I am resting so that I will not fall ill further and be quarrentined for a million years.
On this Saturday night, I remembered that God is not a petty God who grades you on the number of services you attend.
On this Saturday night, I remembered that He loves me and thatHis grace is not to be taken granted for nonetheless.
On this Saturday night, I am clearing my work which would play a part in improving a needy family's situation and that is also being a testimony for Him.
On this Saturday night, I am thankful for the yummy cai fan He has given to me.
On this Saturday night, I can go play the piano and spend quality time with Him which I haven't really found enough time to do so.
On this Saturday night, I watched the beautiful sunset and was reminded by Your greatness and splendor.
On this Saturday night, I am excited for the services tommorow!

In every situation, counting my blessings and not my complains, would make me a happier person. :) - a valuable lesson that I learnt while preparing for a P1 workshop. Adults are such liars. They don't even do it themselves, yet they are teaching it to kids. Haha. Okay stop foongpuisee, CYNICISM NO MORE.

Space

2009-07-03T20:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we do so much,
too much,
that when we pause to breathe
it's as though our world has stopped
and there is nothing left for us to hold on to
to justify our existence.

It's my blog, but you are reading it

2009-07-02T22:57:00.000+08:00

As much we would like our blogs to be a space where we freely type down our thoughts, our emotions, our struggles, our frustrations, our joys, I guess reality is far from that. Because whether you like it or not, people are reading your space. When people read, it always impacts them in some way, some how. That's a blogger's biggest reservation I guess.

When you realise that this space is no longer private and some random person from some random country, or some random church/school person is reading your blog, you hold back. You think so hard before publishing the post- checking your grammatical mistakes, alignments, checking if it is even coherent/a likable post (Esther LIKES this) and most of all, if it offends or stumbles anyone.

I've met people who can't care less about what people think. They vomit every single nasty/unpleasant thing out on their blogs for the whole to read. These people are quite peculiar. When you ask them if they're okay, then they'll go, "how come you know I'm not okay!?" Your blog duh. Talk about responsibilities, huh.

But sometimes I do admire them. I mean, if there's one thing I would applaud them for is their honesty and for their courage to admit they're not okay. Please don't hear me wrongly, (see I'm re-emphasizing my earlier point) I'm not saying that we should blast our blogs with our deepest secrets or lash out vulgarities from time to time, but I just wonder if the fear of public opinion inhibits us from being people who are real. I mean, a perpetually happy blogger who's dying inside is obviously a big fat liar. Haha.

I guess it's alright to have our opinions, have our ups and downs, imperfections. I think it's also alright to pen these down. But I do think it's important to make wise decisions on what to disclose and what not to. Because, yea la, like it or not, someone is reading this now. Haha. And you can't deny that everything you read affects you in some way? It's just like listening to different genres of music. It affects my moods so much :|

I can't count the number of times people have come up to me to talk to me about my blog. Some, asking me to remove certain posts, some affirming me for some of my posts. Haha. But I guess the joys of a blogger shouldn't be in how many comments one accumulates or how big a commotion it brings about. I mean, who said the joy of writing is in getting the approval of others. Haha. I guess what matters at the end of the day is that it fufils the purpose it set out to fufil- to put a smile on someone's face, to let someone know what they're not alone in their temptations/failures, to make yourself feel better, to unwind, to rant, to encourage, to remind yourself/someone else about His goodness etc.

I guess as much as bloggers work towards being more responsibly fun and real bloggers, readers have a responsibility to guard their hearts on what they're reading too. I mean if you know you're gonna be so affected, then don't read la.

How did I get here anw? Haha. Random thoughts.... or not quite. (Considering this post is so long.) Haha.

Comfort friends

2009-07-01T22:21:00.035+08:00

♥

Deprivation

2009-06-25T22:28:00.018+08:00

I want to sleep in. I want to laze around in the house. I want to play. I want to go for dimsum buffet. I want to go to the beach. I want to go for a swim. I want to go for a photo outing. I want to take many nice photos. I want to go shopping. I WANT TO MEET CLARICE CHIEW. I want to dye my hair. I want to go out with my friends. I want to dress up. I want to go further than the heartlands. I want to do something crazy. I want to chill out at a coffeehouse with one or two good old friends. I want to stop worrying about work to be done. I want to stop thinking so hard into everything. I need a break. I need You.

Oh yea, I got so bored, I went to cut my hair... myself.

I am nothing

2009-06-22T22:52:00.003+08:00

Once again, I'm reminded of my utter need for You.

Dreadful Summer

2009-06-21T00:27:00.012+08:00

Haven't been in the mood to dress up of late... The weather in Singapore has been such a torture this whole year. I can't help but think of the good times I had in Sydney in my fully "air-conditioned" world. I remember waking up each day, getting to mix and match many layers of cloth, freeze in thin stockings with my fellow vainpots, having wavy and seemingly thick (or not) looking long hair, and having so fun camwhoring without having to worry about grease on our faces. The feeling was... shiok.

I think I could have done better with my outfits last year. But I think for a first timer, it was good enough. I find myself online shopping for winter clothings and trench coats (of which I've no use for) so often. I want to travel! Urgh.

Outfits I can't wear in sunny Singapore:

Now, I can only dream about winter in my airconditioned room at night and wish that my hair growth products work eventually. Haa.

Almost there

2009-06-19T23:24:00.003+08:00

Hello world. It's been a long time since I've updated this space. As you would have guessed, I've been super busy with work. I'm already going into the 7th week of my attachment this coming monday. Time flies, huh. As much as my life is seemingly gone, reality is far from that! Heh. I cannot deny how tired I am from work, but I can't suppress the joy and excitement I feel everyday when I wake up for work.

I get muscle aches very often and they never ever recover. My fellow Fei Yue attachment mates make me laugh so hard every other day. Haha. Priceless company :) But beyond that, work has become a place where I get edified, encouraged, challenged, inspired. Was never really able to grasp what it would take for one to be a "living testimony" but I think I've seen it for myself in so many colleagues and classmates these 6 weeks. When you have been with Jesus, you talk different, you react different. People feel different around you. :) It's very obvious. It's very simple. And I have been greatly encouraged by that.

I want my holidays. I want to nua. I want to go out and chill with my friends. I want to take afternoon naps whenever I feel like it. I need my rest. BUT I don't want placement to end. :'(

I've been feeling so tired all week and I couldn't put a finger to what was I tired about. This evening, when I actually took time to slow down and reflect, I just felt so sick and tired . Sick and tired of living for myself, with my own agendas, chasing after worthless dreams. It's real tiring. I realised that I've been trying so hard to be who God wants me to be with my own strength. And it's tiring me out. I guess I need to understand the fact that I would never be able to amount up to that with my own efforts, no matter how hard I struggle to. Yea, learning to surrender, learning to trust, learning to love, learning to prioritize all over again.

2009-06-04T22:53:00.011+08:00

无论是住在美丽的高山，
或是躺卧在阴暗的幽谷；
当你抬起头，你将会发现，
主已为你我而预备。

云上太阳，祂总不改变，
虽然小雨洒在脸上，
云上太阳，祂总不改变，
祂不改變。

♥

Undeserving

2009-06-01T23:05:00.009+08:00

The past weekend has found me in a whirlpool of emotions and thoughts. As much as I thought that my results didn't get to me, (it hardly does) but this time, it did. I feel really happy for my friends who have done well. :) No doubt about that. But I found myself questioning my own abilities (or lack of). I really envy people who are talented... Or people are good at something- whatever it is, just... something.

My self evaluation on Friday night just left me feeling like a total failure. I'm not much of a brainy person, neither am I good at any instrument or great at singing, I'm not the popular pretty girl material, I'm not rich, I don't have a (rich) boyfriend, I'm not the best leader /friend one would wish for, and the worst thing is that I am nowhere near the most spiritual girl around- I don't pray the best prayers, I don't read my bible for hours. In fact, my laziness and lack of discipline, my constant distractions and mood fluctuations, irk me so much. I try my best to live as right as I can, but only to find that I'm not really making it.

To sum it all up, sometimes I feel like there's nothing good inside of me and it's hard for me to accept the fact. Oh crap, I think I just failed Rosenberg's self esteem scale. :/Haha Sounds like some teenage identity crisis huh. I'm turning 21 soon. See, even my development is like abnormal... Sigh. Hahaha.

Sometimes, I wonder what God sees in me. Or does He even see anything beneath the mess? A simple word Yvonne said to me in the cab on sunday meant so much to me. (Don't think she knew. Haha.) But yea, it was about how God has His signature on each one of us. It doesn't matter what others say about us or even what we think of ourselves. Whatever the devil tries to do/say does not hold! Cos God has His signature on us and He sees us the apple of His eye, His prized possesion. It blows my mind.

When I think about the heavens
The moon and all the stars
I wonder what You ever saw in me
But You took me and You loved me
And You've given me a crown
And now I'll praise Your Name eternally

Life goes on

2009-05-26T23:20:00.004+08:00

I am on the verge of tears now. The whole day seemed so perfect... and then this has to happen. My computer had some problems the other day. My dad brought it to someone to reconfigure and when I got it back today I realised all my work files are gone. Everything that I've been working on the past two weeks... all gone.

Honestly, I was a little mad because I emphasized the importance of all my documents to him umpteen times before and he just brushed it off (or it seemed like that to me). Aiya, but I was so tired after work that I didn't have any energy to think of be angry with him. But that's not the point I know, no point grieving or souring my relationship with dad over my work. Oh well, just gotta bear with a few more sleepless nights I guess. No big deal, right? Haa. (Trying very hard to console myself.)

First week of placement

2009-05-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

Here I am, at the end of my first week of placement, different. Even though it's only been a week, the experience has been a really impacting one. For one, I've been waking up at 7am and sleeping by 12.30am the past week. (Which I haven't been able to do so for like the past 1000 years. Haha) I am waking up each day psyched to go to work. I know work hasn't exactly sunken in though it's pretty hectic already but I'm enjoying every minute of doing what I have to do- even if it's simply using the photocopier.

It still feels rather surreal that I am really doing I've always dreamt of. Even if it means drowning in files of paperwork, case conference mtgs, trainings, programmes, reports, I'm not complaining. It's been such a pleasure, really :) Never thought work could ever be this fun, this fufilling and such a joy.

I don't deny the fear I've been feeling inside- the insecurities about my abilities, the fears that I would not be able to handle my work well or that I might ruin someone's life. But I'm trying my best not to let these fears get to me, trusting in Him that He's the one who's gonna enable me to be able to do what He has called me to do. And I know that I can't do it on my own. I was really anxious prior to the first day of placement... Endless what ifs, the uncertainty and all. But God calmed me down with this verse:

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep." Psalm 127: 1&2

I thank God for the support of my friends who have been constantly there for me thru the week. Your care and concern means the world to me :') Thank God for my colleagues and classmates! They're like super fun and nice. Thank God for God. Learning to fix my eyes on Him, to live for Him, to spend every waking and sleeping moment with Him by my side- the feeling's awesome. It's such a wonder and a blessing that my work brings me closer to Him Haha. I'm extremely grateful that the Lord of all the earth, would see something in me and be willing to invest His time, His effort, His son's blood for me. I'm grateful even as I begin to see God unfold His plan for my life. (: I'm excited.

Got off work at 8.30pm today and now I'm still rushing my reports due tmr! Better get going!

Back to the start

2009-05-09T04:18:00.002+08:00

Ever since my bro got married, I've been staying in his room cos my room was inhabitable. It was in a total mess (clothes and books all over), I didn't have a bed in this room, it was stuffy and dusty and gross- let's just say anyone would suffocate by just trying to stay one minute in the enclosed room. But I came home to a brand new room today :) Dad and mum got me a new bed. They helped to pack my room and tadah! :)

I was never the rich kid from a prestigious background, where my parents earn big bucks, drive big cars, bring me on long holidays, buy me branded stuff. On the contrary, I come from a pretty humble background. When I got home today, I sat there on my bed and I just wanted to cry. Not cos my room is so pathetically small, not cos I'm like this super broke and have no money most of the time. But because I realised how blessed I was.

What really touched me was finally being able to understand the heart of a parent- giving beyond your abilities for your children. Even if it means sacrificing a few meals to buy her a dress. Even if it means working more OT hours to give them a shelter over their heads. There's really nothing they wouldn't do to put a smile on your face, to make sure you have a better life than they ever had, to make sure you never have to worry a day when daddy/mummy is around :')

As you get older, you learn more about life, more about people. We get disillusioned with everything that is screaming for our attention. We forget about the simple things. We hold on to the unpleasant things. Our mindsets change. We forget who we once were. We lose sight of what matters and what never really did.

Today, I finally realised what love really is. It ain't about the butterflies. It ain't about the feeling of being pampered. It ain't about the presents or material things. It's about putting yourself in the background and others in the foreground. It's all about giving something that costs you something. Today, I realised how much my parents meant to me. And most of all, you know that when everyone else walks out of your life, they will be the ones who'd cheer you on till the very end :')

Thank You. Thank you and you :)

Random

2009-05-08T23:21:00.003+08:00

I think this would be the random-est post I've ever had since I started my blog. I don't even have the energy to resize the pictures... much less arrange them.

Mother's Day Dinner at Soup Restaurant

Jonathan's First Book Out

BB Net

My net loves to camwhore. That is one thing I think I've imparted to them. Haaaa! I think I've trained them well. "Guys come on! That was not crazy enough. You gotta get real crazy and look ugly ok! Let's try again." HAHAHA

Meet up with prewttays

Coffee Club's our new (old) fav! Haven't eaten there since donkey years back when I worked at Taka with Tecky.

UC Post Exam BBQ

"Church Friends" Day

I so love neo print booth pictures! I love being cheapskate. More imptly, I love having friends who are cheapskate.

Colour Swap! (Inserts: I miss you joces!!!)

Supper at Old Town after caregroup

This is proof of my inability to make good decisions. Sigh.

Geylang supper

Al Ameen Supper

I ordered teh peng and I got (warm) teh peng (which tasted so weird) with melted ice :(

Bandung is the grossest drink ever. Maybe I shall start an "anti- bandung" group on FB. Haa

Sunday Afternoons

Everyone's getting better than me at the "Esther" smile.

Guitar Hero!

I suck at it. Big time.

That sums up my past week. I just realised how much I'm hanging out with my church friends. I'm seeing everyone like everyday! Gosh. Haha. AND I realised most of the time I'm just eating and eating and eating. Suppers after suppers. It's a lil freaky :|

Cats.
Ribbons.
Baskets.
Purple.
Stripe.
Hearts.
Salt.
Black Balloons.

Random enough? Haa.

What now

2009-05-05T16:57:00.021+08:00

I AM FINALLY DONE WITH EXAMS!!!

And I don't feel any different.
Somehow I wish my exams never ended.

Daddy ♥

2009-05-02T22:42:00.018+08:00

Time really flies. I can't believe Dad celebrated his 57th birthday today. And it seems to me like nothing has changed: Dad's still the Dad I've known all these years, he's still the hero in my heart and I'm still daddy's little girl. I can't thank God enough for putting me in such a wonderful family. I really can't thank Him enough :')

So anw, tonight was super super fun! Haha. Food wasn't great at Windsor hotel but I guess the craziness made up for it :D

Hahaha, full of funny ideas.

OMGOSH. Hahaha. NC16. LOL. They're seriously full of crap la. (Pee in this case. HAHAHA)

Got dad a really nice shirt and work pants! :)

GAYNESS.

Wow normal for like onceee!

And twice!

And thrice! (That's grandma btw. She's cool stuff. )

Hamsum brudder. HAO LIAN LA. Haha.

Mum and Dad. HAHA.

This one's classic. HAHAHA. My grandma is like playing along. LOL! She was super high tonight okay.

See what I mean. HAHAHA. It runs in the family. Through three generations. And maybe four soon? ERHEM. Hahaha.

David Cook! :) :) Met him in the mall. So coincidental.

Went grocery shopping (okay not really) and we saw this and we screeched!

Daddy didn't want to buy it for me and I got really sad. Wait he laughed and walked off ignoring me. HAHAHAHA. (Being weird as usual in the mall.)

Daddy if you're reading this, THANK YOU for EVERYTHING :D Love you though you didn't buy me the barbie bag.
♥

BOF! ♥♥♥

2009-04-30T22:39:00.011+08:00

Aren't they like so cute that you feel like Jesus really died for them!!! Hahaha. (Edit// What am I talking about?!) I need to get started on this Korean serial once my exams are over! I can't believe I watched 8 episodes of America's Next Top Model Season 12 last night on youtube. Woke up at 1pm and went swimming with Cheryl and Gladys. Pigged out like mad after. (At least I exercised before pigging out! So it made a difference okay.) Had a reaaal good time! Tried studying but failed miserably. Took a nap till 9.30pm. Gg out for supper at geylang later. Sure feels like the holidays! Okay, this is bad.

Contingents (Worlds) apart

2009-04-29T14:35:00.004+08:00

Despite my exams, I haven't exactly stopped my leisure activities. Finding that balance... still. Oops. Haha :) I'm down with 3, left with 1! Which is like next tues. Feels like it's all over already. But anyway, yes, it's been loads of youtubing and more youtubing. Haha. It amazes me how in a matter of one day a video can get like thousands and millions of views but I guess that's the beauty(or not) of the internet? Hah, eww IT1001. Everyone has been on the how outstanding a few contestants have been on Britain's got talent. Ordinary people who have turned into stars overnight thanks to youtube.

It's already unfair that good looking people get further in life. But it seems to me that even the ugly people get further in life! Wah lau. The society allows no room for mediocrity :( Boo. It's like that in movies too. It's either the girls who are incredibly hot or the absolutely detestable obnoxious geeks who get the guys. Oh well.

So anw, after watching the Susan Boyle video several times, I realised- she ain't THAT great what. I mean, not THAT great to earn all the attention she is getting. Shasheen is way better I feel! Personal opinion. (Don't stone me, SB fans. Haha)

But I think we can all arrive at the same point. And that is that Britain's GOT talent. America's GOT idols who sing well and are actually cute (DAVID COOK!). America's GOT top models who are hot and can speak properly. Singapore has... nothing. Nothing close to theirs. I love Singapore but the truth is harsh. We're getting there la... I think? How long more? Lol.

I mean, look:

Here's another:

Annaliegh! <3

HAHAHA OMGOSH. The worst thing is that... Most of them are finalists. -_-

Point proven.

The Greatest Blessing

2009-04-28T21:26:00.000+08:00

And above all, I'm so glad I'll always have You to count on... no matter what. :')

Rescue

2009-04-27T13:24:00.011+08:00

I have not overslept for any of my papers so far, not that I plan to. Haha. I woke up today super super sleepy. I usually cram real hard in the mornings for my papers but today I was just so zonked. Slept through my 106 ride. I think it was my first time taking a bus to school for an exam in NUS. Haha. But I'm proud of myself cos I reached the 96 bus stop at like 8.05am when my paper was at 9am.

Guess what, I waited bus after bus after bus after bus. They were all packed. Arghh! My problem initially was a good one- I was too early. But I found myself having to try to look out for a cab at 8.40am! Okay. You must understand that I'm super super noob though I'm supposedly moving on to being Year3 next sem. I only take 96. I only know the route for 96. Other than that, I know nuts bout which bus stops where in NUS. At 8.45am I was desperate. I just got on bus 183, praying very hard it'd at least past by the engine faculty. Just somewhere nearer to school. Then I'll run from there. (Haha, sounds so pathetic right.)

Yea, so I ran like mad in the hot sun for a considerably long distance. It's really far. Hahaha. But yea, once again I thank god for healing me of my asthma cos I think I would have died tdy otherwise. Imagine all the ups and downs and hills in NUS with my notes and books in my hand. I think God gave me wings. Haha. I reached like when they commenced. Thank God, really.

I had moments in the paper where I was just like "God :'( I actually know this!? You are too kind to me." If you ask me anything now, I will tell you I don't know what I wrote. But during the paper everything went so smoothly. Except for the one page full of HTML thingy I had to write out. Siow one right!? I ignored the whole thing. Haha. But yes, for those who prayed and encouraged, thanks a million. It means ALOT to me. And God heard your prayer! I'm incredibly amazed :) He's good. All the time. It's time for a nap. Yay!

Countdown: 2 more to go! Whoosh. Fellow sufferers, jiayou! :D We're almost there.

Tomorrow, we bid farewell.

2009-04-26T21:33:00.012+08:00

Taken for some publicity stunt on some random day during one of our IT project meetings at the upper deck. (You can see how 'effective' it was. I still, dont know what they were publicizing. Haha. Oops.)

But yea, nonetheless, this is the only photo I have with my IT group. (And I think Tim looks weird here. HAHA) Fun bunch of people! They're so mean yet they're so nice. Haha. They (Every single one of them! Grar.) love to make fun of me like almost all the time. But at the same time, they are so nice to bear with my ignorance with regards to IT stuff.

Tmr's my IT paper. I really don't know how to study for it. It's like... there's too many things I don't know. But yes, I can't wait to bid farewell with my module! (Not you guys of course:) ) I seriously need like supernatural "signs and wonders" for this semester's exams. In moments like these, I wonder why I took this module in the first place. Can I drop the module now? :S

2009-04-23T01:33:00.000+08:00

Won't You spare an angel tonight?

2009-04-21T05:02:00.002+08:00

He did. He sent me an angel cos He knew I needed one :')

And so today at 2am, Jamie had her virgin experience driving out alone! (With me.) It was super impromtu. We decided within seconds to go grab supper tog :) It was super thrilling seeing my most-bimotic friend drive me! Omgosh~. Oops. (She's gonna kill me.)

But it got me thinking alot when I got home. Like... we're really growing up. All my close girlfriends from school have liscenses now! (Except me.) But anyhow, it's amazing being able to be a part of someone's milestones in life. I'm gonna see my girlfriends get married one by one. I'm gonna be there waiting outside the delivery room when they give birth. (I know this is abit far fetched. But still, it's heart warming just thinking of it.)

Since there weren't many cars and since Jamie didn't know how to park, we just parked in the middle of the road, opposite beauty world! Haha.

Failed Jumpshots!

Hahaha, and you believed she parked in the middle of the road!? Hello, have some faith in her. Haha She parked well with just one try! With the guidance of a great instructor who hasn't even taken her basic theory test. Oops.

Teochew porridge and very friendly uncle :)

♥

thank You. :')
thank you.

Cheap Thrills

2009-04-20T22:44:00.006+08:00

The people who actually look good in the horn rimmed specs.

The people who, erm, don't (and should not) wear glasses. (NOT horn rimmed ones at least.)

Over, and over, and over again

2009-04-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

Edit// My word, I didn't realise how long this post got.

Once again, I'm overwhelmed with awe for the God I serve. I don't quite know how to put it in words anymore. Cos it just seems like I can't thank Him enough, for His patience with me. I don't know, but if I were God I think I would have given up on myself a long time ago.

I don't understand human nature, I don't understand God's nature- how we could be such idiots with short term memories and how He could still love us the same, no less than the times when we were a little less idiotic. I can't fathom the magnitude of his patience. I can't understand how He can touch my life, speak to me, blow me away, time after time, even if I make the exact same mistakes for a million times, even if I forget all that He has told me the very next day. Even if He had to tell me the same thing that He loves and cares for me a zillion times, He would do it- over, and over, and over again (':

I find that my blog's a great self-checker. Cos I love to blog about every other thing, especially when I'm extremely high, or when I'm extremely low. And gg through my posts, and some of my drafts, I realised how erratic I am and how I repeat some msges over and over and over again. Nothing wrong with the latter, but I was just real disgusted at the number of times God had to pull me out of the (same old) pits.

I guess at the end of the day, the best thing (among the many many many) that I like about God is that He's unchanging and He is good ALL the time (no mood swings alright!). I can go through a day and experience the highest highs, the lowest lows- get discouraged by how others have changed, get angry and irritated at the way some people do things, get disgusted at this person that person, then feel bad for feeling this way, doing that, not doing that (the list goes on)- but I learnt something today: Why beat myself up over all these things? It's so tiring. (Reinforces: Extremely.)

I'm brought back to the simplest msg of fixing my eyes to Jesus :) I don't have to try so hard not to think bad of other ppl (I should try but you know what I mean!?), I don't have to try soo hard to be the nicest person ever- all I have to do, all I need to do, is look to Him. That's all. Every situation, every circumstance, every impossibility, every hurt, every struggle, every spirit of confusion, every bad habit, every negativity, every fear, every frustration, every feeling, every thought; I have an answer and that is to just (1) Shut up. (Haha) No need for explainations/defenses. (2) Look to the unchanging One. He'll do the job. But yea, I'm still learning too. To give literally every single part of my heart to Him.

Ohyes! I wanna share something with everyone! Heehaw. I grew up with asthma. Ventolin inhalers, nabilizers have become almost a way of life for me. In the recent year my condition has worsened quite abit. I wake up every day with an asthma attack :S Yea, tragic. Ever since the Reinhart Bonkke crusade, that changed. I haven't had a single attack since the start of the crusade. Every morning I wake up breathing abnormally (too good alrd! I actually feel weird). I am trusting that God has healed me and I give Him ALL the glory for it! (Rong yao gui yu shen! Wo shi chong si chuan lai de. Okay stop it esther!!! Hahaha)

And another thing! I was down to 12 bucks for the rest of the month today. It's not even funny anymore. I even contemplated to sell my phone and all that. But God is my provider. :) Mum stuffed some money into my hands when I got home. I never told her about being broke or anything cos I understood that it was my fault having spent my money the way I did+ birthday gifts. But when I asked her why was she doing that (acting like I didn't want it.Haha!). she said "God told her to." Though, it's only a few bucks, but it just goes to show how much He cares :') And it's not even like I can't afford to starve. I've so much excess fat la God! Hehe. But yes, He is so wonderful :)

On a side note, our very first region 11 service today was great!!! :) There seems to be a breakthrough in the atmosphere. It was a happy happy service :) Sis sandy's testimony really inspired me. She's been gg thru a rough patch the whole week and I only realised when she told me so, after I commended her for being so jovial during service leading tdy. That, is the joy of the Lord man :D

Tdy marks the start of my reading week! First paper on Saturday :D I am gonna (try my very best) not to squander the time I have on my hands and give it my best shot. I know I feel like I haven't been doing well for school but in the BIG BOSS I trust. Bigger than you, Dean's office. Lalala. Have a great week everyone!

I used to be a hopeless romantic

2009-04-17T23:49:00.000+08:00

I so dig this video. :D :D The guy's super cute. (Hooray to shy guys! Had enough of TOO outspoken guys in NUS) It's super duper sweet. Perhaps it's because I've always wished that my love story was like that- the butterflies, the intense heart palpitations when our eyes meet, waking up everyday looking forward to seeing each other. Okay fine. I know, cliche right? I miss watching koreanjap&taiwanese dramas and dreaming of prince charming with Jessie, ClaraL, Kelly and other fellow hopeless romantics! I know I sound like some secondary school ah lianzx now. HAHAHA.

After all these years of silly infatuations, hopes and dreams, I've given up (sort of). Reality is harsh. Only the weird weird people or cheekopehs like me! Facebook has not been making any better! :( I find it impossible to imagine a future with any of them (anyone for that matter). Hahaha. Sigh.

Sometimes I think the media sensationalizes the concept of "love" too much. They seem to have a way of getting us to think this is what love is all about: finding the perfect person who is everything you've been dreaming of, then living happily after with romeo. Aiya but they have to do that I guess... if not who would go watch movies/buy cds (101 love songs.. HAHAHA) right?

I guess as you grow older you tend to become more cynical. Sorry correction. That's what university does to you. It was never "critical thinking"... More like "cynical thinking". Haha. Funny thing is, I'm still as hopeless as I was before I entered uni. Haha Good thing? I don't know.

I've got good news

2009-04-13T14:06:00.026+08:00

Hello world. It's been awhile since I've had the time (and energy) to be on this cyberworld blogging a post that is of substantial information/photos. The weekend felt sooo long but I didn't want it to end at all.

Everyday's routinue: wakeup, chiong to SIS, plong myself at leisure park mall and gorge myself with loads of starbucks and yoguru(!), go for practice, stand for hours on stage doing stupid things during rehearsal, having (free and yummy) dinner with dearests, then having fun on stage during worship, get challenged by Reinhart Bokke ('ve gotta say he's the wisest man I've ever seen, the things he says are like, "OHYAHOR!"), see hundreds of ppl come to the altar :') and amazing miracles happen, get onto the church van, go to Macs drive thru to get sponsered supper(Hehe), head to Toa Payoh Office, consolidate response cards (YAY!), mail merge, print, fold, mail, then home sweet home(bed)!

There's no doubt that my faith has been challenged greatly these days- in all aspects of the word "challenged". I've witnessed cancer patients going up stage and praising God for completely healing them, I've been awestruck by the sight of crippled men and women run and jump, I've seen ppl removing their tubes and oxygen tanks and walking up to testify, but I've also seen people go home in their wheelchairs.

I know you must be thinking now, "What a pessismist." But honestly, I was very very affected by it. My heart really really broke for those people. They looked desperate, so hopeful, looking at other people get their miracles, looking at other people dance when all they could do was sit there and watch. I battled alot within myself. I kept telling myself, "God knows, God knows." but I just couldn't ignore the fact that these were real people with real needs and they do have emotions.

But God is good, He NEVER leaves me doubting Him or wondering if He's real. And you know what's the most amazing thing? God is not intimidated by our questions. Cos He has the answers. This morning, I wasn't even doing my devotions, I was like uploading my photos from GNS (Haha, oops) and He spoke to me so clearly through a photo. (Haha, God's real creative huh!) the answer came in the photo below.

No, He didn't say, "It's a real nice photo you took Esther." (Though I do think it's quite nice. Hehe) But it made me realize and sense the love of the Father. In the thousands of people, God does not see the crowds. He sees the individual. He looks at each and every single one of them (all at one time: I think that's the coolest super power ever!). Not only does He look at them, He knows their situations inside out, He has been watching out for them day and night, He feels the pain they have been going through more than any one can ever try to empathise, He hears their cries of desperation, and most imptly, He loves each so so so so much, He knows the plans He has for their lives and there's no plan B. His plan is the best (in His terms, of course.)

There I was, trying to tell God how unfair it was for these people, how my heart broke for these people. But God's like, "I love them so much more then you do. I died for each one of them. Am I an unfeeling God? Will I not be moved by compassion at all? I took their pain upon myself, how can I not understand how they feel? For I know the plans I have for them, plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them a future and a hope. I did not accidentally or purposefully pass any one of them by."

I was speechless. I am really amazed at the God I serve. He's just so indescribably awesome. I finally understood. I finally learnt how I shouldn't try to play God when I obviously would do such a horrible job. Yesterday I asked God during the altar call, "You said faith is such a simple thing, why is it so hard to have it? How can I have what you call "faith"?". He just said, "You can't complicate faith. Faith is when you stop asking questions and simply believing in your heart that Your God never fails." Wow. :')

How could I ever walk away from a God like that? I would never want to. I don't even think it's possible :)

Alright, now, some random photos from the crusade:

Joces is erm, outstanding. HAHAHA.

The many faces of Shanna :) Cutest!

A child's faith

One and only

2009-04-10T00:08:00.014+08:00

To the one and only person who has stuck with me through the happy, embarrassing, painful, asthmatic, financially deficient, ugly, glamorous, the good and the bad days, to the one I know I can trust with all my embarrassing secrets and silly crushes, to the one who'll share my joy in my happy moments, to the one who'll never withhold a listening ear when I'm down, to the bestest brother in the whole wide world: Thanks for making the world a better place by living in it :) Thanks for being a major part of my life. I love you more than you'll ever know. *Blushes*

Happy Birthday (:

♥, me.

Cherish

2009-04-08T22:03:00.010+08:00

These advertisements left real deep impressions in my heart.

:')

Best advertisement yet.

"In the end, its these small things that you remember. Little imperfections that make them perfect for you."

Questions I can't answer, disappointments I can't hide

2009-04-06T18:05:00.021+08:00

Last night, after receiving a news over an sms, my world crashed. It threw me into a whirlpool of confusion, and I can't stop the questions from coming. I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't stop questioning God why. It all just didn't make any sense to me in anyway. I couldn't stop the tears. I was devastated. For once, I really didn't know what to do, what to say, what to think, much less how to pray.

For a moment, I felt so betrayed by God, like as if He had left me all alone by myself even though I have been trying my best to do what He has called me to do. But right at that moment, God spoke, "I will not let My Name be put to shame. I will not let you be put to shame and you don't have to make excuses for me. Cos I am big enough and I will make a way for them to see. Keep praying, don't stop believing." I was reminded of all of His promises. I was reminded of the very character of God. My leader prayed with me (thanks a whole lot for being there, j (: ) and I won't say that I got enlightened suddenly of why everything happened. Cos if you'd ask me now, I still don't have the answers.

But this is what faith and worship is isn't it? (Very very very hard. Haa) Trusting that in the good and bad times, He is still God.Trusting that everything will be eventually made beautiful in His time even though everything seems so wrong now, trusting that He is a good and an unchanging God. Worshiping Him for who He says He is, worshiping him like I would in the good times.

I finally understand that it wasn't that God didn't have the capability to save him from death, but perhaps, it was God's timing for him to leave. Why? I still don't understand. I can't see the bigger picture at all. But there are only three things I need to know. Firstly, He knows why. Secondly, He is a faithful and just God. Thirdly, I did everything I could.

"I will never fail you. I will never forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 You promised me and I remember that.

One day, we'll understand. But do we have to understand to believe? If you trust someone, why question?

Nonetheless, it's the hardest thing ever. Still, it doesn't change the Good News, does it?

Breathe

2009-03-31T01:44:00.006+08:00

This week's gonna be madness! Tons of deadlines and work to do :( I seriously feel like I don't even have time to breathe or to rest my fried brain. Can't wait for this week to be over and done with. Argh. Till then, sorry for the lackluster of interesting updates!

I miss You terribly :(

Day dreaming

2009-03-25T16:14:00.009+08:00

OMW OMW OMW, I THOUGHT OF THE THEME FOR MY 21ST ALREADY and I can't stop thinking about it! Omgosh, I'm super self absorbed. Hahaha! :D :D :D Thanks Yvonne for the inspiration anyway. Haha! Just gotta think how am I gonna fund it. Or rather, who's willing to fund it. Hahaha. Well they say money ain't everything, but in all honesty, it is really something! No money...then, dream on.

Okay fine, I know my 21st is still like almost half a year away. Haha. I shall go have an afternoon nap to comfort myself... And continue (day) dreaming, hah.

My favorite photo album

2009-03-24T00:09:00.007+08:00

those were undoubtedly the best months of my life.
ohwell.

Living a dream

2009-03-21T22:20:00.007+08:00

Requires hope.

Requires love.

Requires courage.

Requires faith.

I've always loved such visits since secondary school. You learn a lot more that way. Spent the whole morning with this granny and as much as she looks sian in the photo, she's a really cute granny. And I gotta say, she's a real fighter. Could feel all the pain she was going through though she did not mention much. If there is one thing I remembered about her, it would be what she said, "When you fall down, you just gotta pick yourself up. No big deal. " An elderly aged 86 who has the right to worry (much more than I do) if she could ever stand up again if she ever falls, is telling me falling down is "no big deal"? Although she meant it literally, but the spirit behind those words caught me. It's times like that where I wonder what in the world is wrong with me. It was like one tight slap on my face.

I got my placement results. I got posted to FeiYue (CCK). Although the working hours are long (and prolly arduous), I'm psyched about starting my attachment somehow. It's like as if my dream of being a social worker is really coming through. Omw. Haha. (Okay sounds silly I know, but yea, it still feels surreal every now and then.) Can't wait to be with the people, can't wait to learn many more things and yea. Oh God please make me stronger :l I think I'm quite a weakling sometimes. Fine, most of the time.

But yea, I know I'm getting alot of "Tsk"s blogging now when I skipped dinner to come home to do work. I needed to load the photos for inspiration for my essay can! Pray that I can finish this 20 page essay in a miraculous speed. It's due monday. Haha.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometime courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
-Mary anne Radmacher

Wrong Number

2009-03-21T00:20:00.007+08:00

No Lord, he said, You've got the wrong guy
Simple conversation gets me tongue-tied
And You're telling me to speak with a maniac king
Could it be I've lost my mind?

And besides, I am weak, don't You want someone strong,
To lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long?
And anyway, they wont believe You ever spoke to me
That's not your problem, God replied
And the rest is history

There's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am Your creator, I am working out My plan,
And through you I will show them, I Am.

Now Lord, are you sure? He's just a shepherd boy,
Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy
What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling?
That's not your problem, God replied
'Cause I can do anything

There's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you, I will show them

I Am the first, I Am the last
I Am the present and the past
I Am tomorrow and today
I Am the only way

Great Lord, she said, I'm just a simple girl
You say that I will bring your son into the world
How can I understand this thing You're gonna do?
That's not your problem, God replied.

There's a bigger picture, you can't see.
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me.
I'm your creator, I am working out my plan,
And through you, I will show them, I Am.

-I Am by Ginny Owens

Why do I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone? Help me remember- You've always got my back. And You are all I need to win this.

2009-03-18T22:10:00.009+08:00

:')

Guess where we went!! Haha. No prizes for guessing correctly.

The sky was beautiful today :D

Dempsey hangout for paupers! Hahaha

Yummy pizza, but not a fan of thin crusted pizzas though. I mean, I love flour. As loserish as this may sound, I like Pizza Hut's pizzas the most. Cos they're thick crusted. Hahahaha

I was just very afraid he's spit at me. I'd have totally killed him if he did.

Then Jimmy finally arrived from his job interview that took frigging 3 hours. Haha

I like this.

9 years and counting :')

Clean your windows, artan.

My dad took 5 VIDEOS (not photos) of the pretty sky today and showed them to me repeatedly. Haha. Perhaps learning to be amused with the little things in life would make us happier people.

On a side note, why are there so many birthdays in March! No not complaining... But yea, it's just one of those months. Hahaha.

2009-03-17T16:56:00.007+08:00

Hello world. School has been driving me nuts and yea, I've been feeling super super tired from everything. I have been oversleeping for class and going into class an hour late quite frequently even though I cab to school. I've alot alot to say about cab drivers. I'm sure alot of people have alot to say about the topic but yea, I had a rather interesting encounter today. Not the usual "weird uncle with fits" story, or the "you look like a little girl, i'm gonna cheat you of your money" story either.

I was just standing by the side of the road today, praying for a cab to come fast (as usual), praying for a comfort cab actually since I was cashless and needed the atm thingy in the cab (Or so I thought I was, as usual). Then I saw a cab opposite the road so I looked across at him and flagged. I don't know how it all happened but in seconds, I had three cabs lined up in front of me. I was like... Erm. I was so caught in a dilemma.It wasn't even a "looks" issue man... All three uncles looked weird and like cheeko. Haha.

Thing is, I didn't flag for any of you man! Hello. Then the comfort cab uncle U-turned and joined in the queue. I had to like tell each one of them that I couldn't take their cabs but at the same time I was afraid the comfort cab uncle would drive off. Imagine me trying to signal through sign language to all 4 cabs and all their "huh?" faces. 2 cabbies were smart and they drove off. The third one couldn't understand my sign language. Hahahaha. Yea.

Long story short, I got cursed quite badly as if it was all my fault. Shrugs. Well, on the bright side, I got on the comfort cab and managed to get to school (though I was already one hour late for my 2 hour lect). Looking back, it's a good dilemma? In a sense. It's better to have too many cabs than have no cabs in sight. Definitely! Haha.

I need to go buy myself better alarm clocksss. Sleeping early and taking afternoon naps are not options for me anymore :( Three weeks later, I'll be a happier girl... when my 59860352 deadlines are over. Argh, come on!

V(on) Day!

2009-03-16T01:09:00.008+08:00

Desmond is supposed to be Y. Ahtan is supposed to be? I am supposed to be V. Sheena is supposed to be O. Von does hers best- N! (Okay, we can't spell. Haha)

Weird shot.

Ugly shot.

3 zhao cai maos and two.... angels? Hahaha

Which part of class photo don't you understand ah tan? HAHAHA

Von looks like she's forced into getting kisses from sheena and I. You should be honoured hello!

OHAIIYOO!!! Watashi wa vonneh san!

Happy birthday happy pill. Hope you had fun! Did I mention how I look forward to seeing you everytime? You're a real joy to be around. 7 years of friendship and counting! :)

Nothing will ever change that

2009-03-15T03:56:00.007+08:00

If there was one thing I want you to know, it would be that I love you friend, no matter what :) And that I'll never wanna lose you again. :') I want to see you happy. And I'll do anything to make that happen. Okay fine, that was several things. Haha. Bottomline, LOVE YOU ALWAYS! :D

(more photos)
(more photoss!!!)

Food and friends

2009-03-14T01:43:00.014+08:00

My day was mainly spent eating... and shopping for gifts, then eating and eating some more! Haha. Vivo shopping was good. Especially when it was like so so so empty and quiet. Haha. I'm already starting to miss this kinda life.

Love you love you love you! Finally broke out of our Westmall syndrome, yay for us! Can't wait to see you tmr again :D

Then I went to meet Choo and Chiew for Dimsum buffet at Zhou's Kitchen at JP. (Can't break outta the heartland mall syndrome huh?) The buffet was supposed to start at 245pm. Choo and I got a shock when we saw the greaking long queue outside the restaurant at like 230pm.

READY????!!!!

TADAHHHHH! The best thing in the world man. My bro would die for this! Kor, it's worth growing fat for!!!

The Har-Jiong chicken was like the BEST! Ever :D

Thank you clarice for this very glamorous and appealing shot of my distorted face and oily chicken! HAHA

And thanks for covering half my face with your fingers ah. HAHA

Don't ask me why there's like an odd number of chopsticks. HAHA

kawaii nehxxxxxxxxxx

I didn't feel like I ate alot today :( But it was seriously cheap for the quality and variety of food they served! About 15bucks inclusive of GST and all the bloodsucking taxes! 1 1/2 thumbs up for it! -1/2 cos we were'nt allowed to take photos of the food. WHAT IN THE WORLD RIGHT?? Hahaha. I'm like advertising for you la goon. Haha. But still, a must try! :D

The Big Launch at the Edge is today (later) ! Can't wait to get my new shirt :D Hope I can still fit after all the eating :/ I'm thinking of gg for a swim tmr morning but yea, HAHA. I'm SUPER tired from all the shopping today. So... we'll see. HAH!

School was never this good

2009-03-13T00:56:00.008+08:00

Attended the Prisons Service Seminar today. I had alot of fun, at a school function for once (how is that even possible!) though I felt a tad intimidated by the big shots who were there and embarrassed by my dearest friend who innovatively used the table cloth as a shawl. HAHAHA.

I need to choose my choices for placement by the end of the week. (Which is, like now... Hah?) I'm still clueless. I would very much love to go to work in the prisons sector but they're not offering any places for students doing their first placement. Boo.

Weighing my priorities and objectives, but it's scary to make decisions. Decisions you have to live with for 3 whole months (you thought i was gonna say a lifetime. Haha). What if I get a mean supervisor? What if I meet ***** at the agency? What if I get so stunned I don't know what to say to the clients? Okay honestly, the "what if"s are endless. So stop it, Esther.

10 bucks per day man! I would like to see how I am gonna survive on that. It certainly would mean no more cabbing. Starting work at 8am spells groggy mornings, putting make up on buses, traffic and human jams and freezing cold buses. And I'm super bad in keeping my balance on jerky buses. Especially when I'm in heels. I lost my balance on the bus thrice today. Fell at the feet of a guy twice and pulled a bunch of hair of a lady accidentally. HAHAHA. Unglam... and embarrassing yes. Nonetheless, I'm thrilled about going for attachment! (Though I know I don't sound convincing at all. But I really am.) Well at the very least I get to buy new clothes for work! Whoosh.

Shopping for presents later with Tecky + Dim summing with Clarice and Lynn! Yay, a break- finally. The next two weeks are gonna be hectic. But I've learnt that... working would be much worser! Hmm, for example, you can't go skip a mtg just cos you feel like gg home to take a nap when it's raining. The truth is harsh, Clarice. Haha.

I've got a question for you

2009-03-09T18:42:00.018+08:00

After 4 1/2 hours (No exaggeration) , I have finally finished compiling, sorting out, editing and uploading photos taken for David's proposal ystd onto photobucket, facebook and blogger ! Bro+I took 600ish photos last night at the event. Haha! Nonetheless, it's really such a joy to be able to photograph people you love :') Photographs are like journals. You look back years later and they remind you of all the butterflies, laughter and tears :)

That is why................................ I need a DSLR. Hahaha. I heard someone talk about how if you're in love with someone you would try to add his/her name in every other random conversation as much as you can. So me mentioning DSLR is valid okay (: Haha, borrowed Desmond's camera yesterday and thank God I did! The camera's disgustingly good la, I can't find a single grain on a sinlge shot I took with his camera. Haha. Thanks dude for risking your camera by lending it to me. Haha!

So anyway! It was a really touching moment. I had the chance to stay in the restaurant (on a seperate table) sneakily to take paparazzi-like photos while the rest went downstairs to lift the "Marry me" signs! I was like in Jidi's shades and I was using the menu to cover my face three quarter the time, in fear of being discovered. I mean, Certainly I wouldn't wanna destroy someone's surprise proposal! Hullo, not birthday party kinda surprise okay. This is like a whole new level. Hahaha! But it was a success! Yaye!

Eunice, Jidi, John, Esthert, bro and I arrived an hour earlier to recce the place and get ready for the surprise! Super thrilling :D

Bukit Timah Saddle Club (Ridder's Cafe) The place really reminded me of Sydney. Especially our 3rd day at the blue mountains. The fences, green grass, the incredibly blue sky, nice little houses. Everything was beautiful. But of course, the weather brought me back to reality :( It was stinking stinking warm.

Nice comfy couch!

Bro got a missed call and the gang immediately went to take their secret position! While I stayed on... to snap paparazzi photos of them from afar. Muhahaha!

I was being stupid as usual to forget to off my flash. HAHA. When she turned I got a shock and I turned so quickly I almost fell off my chair. Now that would have been not good at all. But thank God she didn't see me at all! Phew. The menu was big enough to cover my face. (Yes surprise. Rwar.)

Then He asked her to look down, and.... :D (Sorry for the low resolution! it was a snapshot of the video. Haha!)

THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT! (Sorry about the finger at the edge of this photo. Haha! I was like videoing with my right hand and snapping all these pictures with my left.)

Awww. :')

The whole restaurant cheered and applauded! It was certainly a moment to remember (:

She said, "YES!!!!!!"

Cheers!

This is like my favorite! Bro captured it!!! :D

Headed to B&J's at Dempsey for icecream after :)

(For more pictures, click here!)

(Here!)

(And here!)

When asked about how I would like my proposal to be like, I actually didn't really know what I wanted. Haha. I think I'd just be too happy that I might just get an asthma attack, hyperventilate then faint. Haha. Still, I love surprises. Haha.

A baggage of "unanswered" prayers

2009-03-08T22:35:00.004+08:00

I sorry if I just startled some of you with my title. " Esther! God answers prayers. How could you say that!" People don't usually talk about such things much. It's like a taboo. It's almost "unholy" to even be tempted to think that your prayers have gone no where when things just don't seem to be changing or basically, when it seems like the answer you were looking for when you said that prayer doesn't seem like its coming to past.

You see, ppl like to hear crazy cool healing/ power packed testimonies. Ppl get excited when blind men see, lame men walk, when 1 million people get saved at a conference, when their friends come to know God the first time on their first visit to an outreach. Stuff like that. I have nothing against that, I think these things are worth going all crazy about. Thing is, sometimes, some people (like me) don't see the result of their prayers like they would like to see them come to past. And we usually shuff these "unanswered" prayers under the carpet, pretending we never really prayed for them, or we try to make excuses for God why it didn't really happen. Woah, this is getting heavy here... I have had a whole baggage of questions marks, disappointments with my "unanswered" prayers where things haven't gone the way I wanted them to go.

But something struck me hard today. We can't go shuffing all our "unanswered" prayers and moving on with our lives as if we never really prayed about it because that would affect our faith in Him. For example, I prayed very hard but no one received Christ in my first net outreach. I tried to make excuses for the people, why they didn't wanna receive Him yet and all and then shuffed it underneath the carpet to make myself feel better. But the next time I pray, I'm gonna have the fear (doubt) that God might not answer my prayer "again", and I would have to "make an excuse" for Him again.

But thing is, He does not need us to make excuses for Him! He is a true to every word He says and He would not let His Name be put to shame. (So no need to worry for Jesus)

My "One" didn't come to know God last year. I've been praying for her for like years and yea, things just haven't been gg the way I've been praying for it to be. To be very honest, I got so tired, so discouraged and I began to question. I began to question if I really heard God when He asked me to write her name down. Things just seemed so so so impossible. But after much tears and prayer in the last two years, the miracle came ystd. She was the one talking to me about God's unconditional love and how she was gonna attend church with her family today. You cannot imagine how overjoyed I was. In fact, I was shocked cos it all seemed so sudden how her perspective changed. Even she told me, "Its was just like suddenly. She just got enlightened." Wha lau I pray so hard the past few years that she'd come to church, have a sobbing session with God and all but no, God did it just like that. In His very own special way (:

The reason why I put " " with "unanswered" prayers is because, NO prayers go unanswered. For a while it might seem unanswered. For a long period it might seem like God didn't hear your prayer. But He hears every single prayer. He will make everything beautiful in His time. And He will answer your prayer. Its a promise. Confirm stamp chop! It's just a matter of when and a matter of trusting Him for it... no matter how long it takes. Mine took me two years but yea, God came through nonetheless. The next time things don't go the way you prayed, don't shuff it underneath the carpet. Instead, make Him accountable for what He has said, (Haha, responsible God okay.) hold on tightly to His promises until you see it come to past.

Abraham didn't see all the promises come to past before He died. Perhaps he had moments where He felt like us... Like "Hey seriously God, it's not happening." But He held on tightly to God's word. And look at us now, hasn't God fufilled His word? :)

God never gives us big dreams just so He could see us crumble and fail miserably. Haha! Why would He do that? His name is at stake hullo. Haha. "The God who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again." Philipians 1:6

I serve a faithful God who hears every prayer, my every cry.

Wait and see that the Lord is good.He never fails :')

We'll keep this post simple

2009-03-05T00:18:00.007+08:00

I was just watching a video of little Caylen on Facebook... I couldn't stop smiling to myself. It made me understand, it helped me to stop questioning, it shed some light into a situation I am in, it showed me where I should go from here, it reminded me of where I have came from, it made me wonder how did I get so far away and of course, it stirred up a longing to get back to where I was. It's tiring to live in a complicated world, it's even more tiring to be complicated.

Search me, know me
Try me and see
Every worthless affection hidden in me
All I'm asking for is that
You'd cleanse me, Lord

Create in me a heart that's clean
Conquer the power of secret shame
Come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin

Clothe me in robes of righteousness
Cover my nakedness with grace
All of my life before You now
I humbly bring
-By Kathryn Scott

That's my prayer tonight.

Perhaps it really isn't about you

2009-03-04T02:37:00.009+08:00

That was pretty hard to swallow :/ Rest assured I'm not some self absorbed freak like you probably would think I am now. Haha It's funny how we sing often about how "It's ALL about Jesus, it was never about us." But so many times we as leaders feel the responsibility to deliver a powerful lesson, to bring the "uhmp!" factor to our worship leading and all. I do admit that I try very hard sometimes, too hard, perhaps. It's almost as if if I could be like that successful leader, God'll be pleased with me. When my members cry when I lead worship then I'm successful. If not, God's just like, "Try harder Esther."

Last friday at my net outreach, I realized how self absorbed I was. I was so super worried about what message to deliver and whether anyone would listen to me, much less give their hearts to Him. As much as I told God "Salvation belongs to You!", a part of me was super stressed out cos I felt like I had to bring it. If I didn't share good enough, God wasn't gonna come and do something. I really wanted to "do it" so that God'll be proud of me and yea, I just wanted Him to be happy with me and "what I've done for Him".

That very night, I got so encouraged by Charis's testimony. It was her first time leading a net and she basically shared what God told her to, and with that simple faith of hers, God worked through her and she had two salvations in her net. I got so convicted that night. I'm not saying that Charis didn't share good (I'm sure she did), but I was just reminded that it wasn't about how great she shared, but it was really God moving through her to touch those lives the way He wanted.

I was reminded of how God's not limited by our limitations. And that we shouldn't limit Him with our limitations. That blows my mind but yea, I guess that's why it's called the supernatural aye.

I had a pleasant surprise yesterday morning. Someone totally random actually had a word for me. And it was right on. I was just stunned. It's like... God took all the trouble to tell someone else about me? :') God is not pleased based on how much we can accomplish for Him, He looks at the heart. That was liberating.

If that makes you happy

2009-03-03T00:07:00.011+08:00

I think I've watched more movies in the theatres this month than I did for the whole of last year. Haha. Now we know where all the money has gone... Haha. Like I said to Mum, it's like my only form of entertainment now. Okay, not really, but you know what I mean.

Just came back from watching Marley and Me and I really really really hated the show. It has left me feeling so sad. Even when the credits were rolling I still felt like crying. Even now, whenever I try to rehearse the scenes, my nose sours up. Okay, but honestly, amongst all the shows I've watched, it was the best, I felt. Haha. I'm being contradicting I know. I loved the show, just didn't like the ending. I shan't be a spoiler here but if you do have a strong heart I'd think it's a good show. Haha. I vow to only watch shows with only happy endings from now on. I think I take movies too seriously. I was like telling myself, "It's just a movie, it's just a movie" during the show when the sad part was coming. Haha!

It made me miss the times I could just snuggle up with Jack without having to worry about others warning me about my asthma and my highly irritable nose. For once, I really really really wish for God to heal my asthma. Then perhaps Jack wouldn't get screamed at when he sneaks into my comforter and lies beside me in the middle of the night. I really wanna get well, I wanna Jack to live with me when I get married. If he lives to see the day, that is. Okay, enough of this emo crap! It was just a movie, stop thinking so much Esther! Grarr, I spent 7 bucks on a movie to depress myself. So dumb la, I need a chick flick now! I think I've caught every show I could already... cept bride wars. Anyone knows if it has a happy ending? Lol

On a side note, life's been awesome. I've failed to keep like 9/10 goals I set for myself but hey, I'm 1/10 there! Hahaha! Net BBQ last week was awesome! Haven't had the time to blog about it. Random phone calls, kind msges and lil surprises the past few days have been keeping me happy and alive. Somehow Joy has taught me alot through the week. Yea the irony, Miss chao bin has taught me how to smile. And of course, how to work harder in terms of school. Haha. I'm gonna sleep early and wake up early to get some work done tmr! (I'll try) Goodnight world and you who's on the other side of the world (:

What's a heart to do

2009-02-25T22:40:00.010+08:00

Since Gladys was craving for xiaolongbaos, we headed to DingTaiFung for dinner today!

The waiter saw how I was helplessly trying to take self timer shots and he couldn't stand watching me mess up the table next to ours, so He offered to take a shot for us! (:

I prefer our self shot eh. And I so love taking photos with GladysChung. Somehow we always look not too bad in our shots tog.

Except when we intentionally look bad. Hahaha!

And there was our last meet up till one year later :') Time passed too quickly. We actually went "Huh how come it's __pm already! Is your watch faulty??" Haha. My nose actually soured when we had to say goodbye. Oh man, saturday how! I know people think I'm being ridiculous... since she'll only be gone for 11 months. But it's just different la. Things won't be the same, you know? Okay you don't. Haha. Like Pam said once, "Friends are unique, they can never replace one another." Oh well, I shall save whatever I have to say for her card ;)

estherfoong says:
next time, our husbands can lead two teams that are nearby to each other! like in dili and baucau
estherfoong says:
OOOOH
gladys ♡ my heart must know, i'm pleasing to You says:
HAHAHHAHAHA
gladys ♡ my heart must know, i'm pleasing to You says:
OKAY!
estherfoong says:
YAY!!!!
estherfoong says:
SO EXCITING
gladys ♡ my heart must know, i'm pleasing to You says:
HAHHAA like how we are going to have houses on the same beautiful street in australia
gladys ♡ my heart must know, i'm pleasing to You says:
then bake cakes and take our children out while our husbands are out!
estherfoong says:
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gladys ♡ my heart must know, i'm pleasing to You says:
that will really be THE LIFE!
estherfoong says:
PLEASE GOD!
gladys ♡ my heart must know, i'm pleasing to You says:
i can just dream about it la
estherfoong says:
DREAMS COME TRUE
estherfoong says:
RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT
estherfoong says:
HAHAHAHAH
gladys ♡ my heart must know, i'm pleasing to You says:
YES!

For one, hardly anyone talks to me in caps... Well not all the time. Hahaha.

The laziness is getting into my head

2009-02-24T23:52:00.013+08:00

Hello world, I'm into Day 2 of my recess break but I have seemingly accomplished nothing much. (In terms of my work and projects) I've no idea about the reason behind my outbreak cos honestly, nothing's really stressing me. But it's been a good two days of slacking and I mean REAL nua-ing :D I've been too lazy to even put any make up on these two days. Playing wii, surfing the net, occasion random chatting with the ppl sitting beside me, sipping my starbucks (YUMMAY) at brother's house. His place has become like a Youth Community Centre or something. But it's been really kind of them- allowing us to intrude, ransack their fridge, stuff our faces with indomee and play wii!

While they were doing their work.... We were screaming and playing outside. Haha

Hello X. HAHA! Love you :D

Joy owns the "weirdest posture while playing wii". TOTAL OWNAGE :D HAHAHA

Okay honestly, my laziness is seriously getting out of hand! I must start working harder tmr and actually do something constructive! Wait, tmr is meet up day. Yaye!

Truth is, I can't save myself

2009-02-24T13:10:00.006+08:00

Set me free,
You who hold the key.
How I long to be.