I got the total shock of my life ystd night when I decided to conveniently step onto the weighing machine when I was walking back to my room from the hall. I was in a state of frenzy for bout 5 whole minutes, just screaming and running around the house, telling everyone I could find (poor mum & dad) about my misfortune. I tell you, I was depressed. Hah! When I say I gained weight, I don't mean, "Ohmygosh, I'm like 40kg now! I used to be like 39.5!? So fat, oh man, must lose weight." (Though some idiotic girls who need to get a life do make me feel worse by telling ME that. Pfft)
I gained quite a number of kgs and it came as total shock to me cos the difference was like #&^$. My word. And the worst thing is that, I wasn't expecting that at all! I didn't even realize myself ballooning up so badly. Flare dresses are BAD, they make you think and feel like you're slim, and that you can afford to eat more... when actually all you're doing is in fact, concealing all that you've been accumluting under your blouse.
While I was waiting (FOR LIKE AGES) for the bus to come when I was about to meet Jamie, I was just reflecting and brooding over the depressing issue, trying to think of how I got to the weight I'm at now. And I realised- for one, I haven't been watching what I allow into my tummy, thighs and arms recently. I've been eating everything and anything like there's no tomorrow. Then God started speaking to me. (I was like, wha, like that also can!)
I began to think of the state of my heart and where I was with God now. And unfortunately, I must say that it has not been so healthy either. I was pretty shocked at where I was. (Not physically, but where I was in my walk with Him) I felt so far off, so far away from where I used to be. Analogy ah, it's like, I used to be a 20kg girl, and now suddenly I find myself weighing 100kg. That bad. I begin to rediscover my heart for God, for people, for my youths, for my friends, for my enemies. And all I found was a tired, 'sianned' and luke warm heart. Luke warm!?! What a dangerous place to be, as all Christians would know and try to avoid.
How did I get to where I am? Just like my weight, I'm sure I didn't get to where I am overnight. Just as I haven't been watchful of what I've been eating (mostly trash), I should think that I've been allowing trash into my thought life and my heart. Indeed, it's true that what you feed, grows. Makes sense right? When you feed on the word of God, when you feed on God's promises, you'd grow in confidence and trust in Him as you discover who He really is. And when you feed on negative thoughts and the voices around you screaming, "Give up!", I sure you'd have a mega sized pity party and you'd be in alot of misery. I must have been feeding myself with alot of boo boos, I guess.
I guess a tired, bruised and battered heart probably doesn't have the strength to fight and guard itself constantly. And that's where I've been at. God spoke to me early this morning actually, through someone I didn't really like. But not the point. Haha He talked about the verse, "Come to me, all of you who are thirsty ... and you'll never thirst again". Honestly, I had that thought before and He talked about it, "How come I am thirsting again? I'm not supposed to be thirsty eh. I am God's child now." But He reminded me, that the "Come" used in that context, is a present participle. Meaning, you keep on coming. Its not a one time thing. You gotta keep returning to the source. And if you keep returning to Him to draw strength, to drink, then can your thirst be quenched.
Truth is, I haven't really been finding time to return to the source. Have been caught up with so many other things and trying so hard to just get by another with my own abilities(Not much, really.) I dont know if I should be saying all these here, and being so blatantly honest (but who'd ever read such along and lo so post, haha) with myself and everyone but I guess reflections are good, if they end off with subsequent steps and intentions to change (: No point just brooding over how I suck/ have gained so much weight right... I need concrete steps to lose weight! Haha (Any actually follow them, oops.)
I asked God if He'd take me back. I seem to find myself at this juncture too many times. So many times that I think if I were God? I would've gotten sick of myself. I mean, even if He was, it would be reasonable. But no, He assured me with His promises once again. "If I were to give up on you, I could have done so earlier on right? Why wait till today?" He brought me through another analogy. There's a friend X whom I've drifted away from recently, and God posed the question back to me, "Are you mad/angry/upset at X for letting the relationship slip by? Are you ever gonna give the friendship even though it's for the thousandth try?"
And at that point, all I could think of is, "I just want X back in my life. As long as we reconcile, I don't care about the past at all. Doesn't matter where we've come from, doesn't matter how long we took to get there, as long as we get there."
And He said, "Exactly, Esther, exactly."
I gained quite a number of kgs and it came as total shock to me cos the difference was like #&^$. My word. And the worst thing is that, I wasn't expecting that at all! I didn't even realize myself ballooning up so badly. Flare dresses are BAD, they make you think and feel like you're slim, and that you can afford to eat more... when actually all you're doing is in fact, concealing all that you've been accumluting under your blouse.
While I was waiting (FOR LIKE AGES) for the bus to come when I was about to meet Jamie, I was just reflecting and brooding over the depressing issue, trying to think of how I got to the weight I'm at now. And I realised- for one, I haven't been watching what I allow into my tummy, thighs and arms recently. I've been eating everything and anything like there's no tomorrow. Then God started speaking to me. (I was like, wha, like that also can!)
I began to think of the state of my heart and where I was with God now. And unfortunately, I must say that it has not been so healthy either. I was pretty shocked at where I was. (Not physically, but where I was in my walk with Him) I felt so far off, so far away from where I used to be. Analogy ah, it's like, I used to be a 20kg girl, and now suddenly I find myself weighing 100kg. That bad. I begin to rediscover my heart for God, for people, for my youths, for my friends, for my enemies. And all I found was a tired, 'sianned' and luke warm heart. Luke warm!?! What a dangerous place to be, as all Christians would know and try to avoid.
How did I get to where I am? Just like my weight, I'm sure I didn't get to where I am overnight. Just as I haven't been watchful of what I've been eating (mostly trash), I should think that I've been allowing trash into my thought life and my heart. Indeed, it's true that what you feed, grows. Makes sense right? When you feed on the word of God, when you feed on God's promises, you'd grow in confidence and trust in Him as you discover who He really is. And when you feed on negative thoughts and the voices around you screaming, "Give up!", I sure you'd have a mega sized pity party and you'd be in alot of misery. I must have been feeding myself with alot of boo boos, I guess.
I guess a tired, bruised and battered heart probably doesn't have the strength to fight and guard itself constantly. And that's where I've been at. God spoke to me early this morning actually, through someone I didn't really like. But not the point. Haha He talked about the verse, "Come to me, all of you who are thirsty ... and you'll never thirst again". Honestly, I had that thought before and He talked about it, "How come I am thirsting again? I'm not supposed to be thirsty eh. I am God's child now." But He reminded me, that the "Come" used in that context, is a present participle. Meaning, you keep on coming. Its not a one time thing. You gotta keep returning to the source. And if you keep returning to Him to draw strength, to drink, then can your thirst be quenched.
Truth is, I haven't really been finding time to return to the source. Have been caught up with so many other things and trying so hard to just get by another with my own abilities(Not much, really.) I dont know if I should be saying all these here, and being so blatantly honest (but who'd ever read such along and lo so post, haha) with myself and everyone but I guess reflections are good, if they end off with subsequent steps and intentions to change (: No point just brooding over how I suck/ have gained so much weight right... I need concrete steps to lose weight! Haha (Any actually follow them, oops.)
I asked God if He'd take me back. I seem to find myself at this juncture too many times. So many times that I think if I were God? I would've gotten sick of myself. I mean, even if He was, it would be reasonable. But no, He assured me with His promises once again. "If I were to give up on you, I could have done so earlier on right? Why wait till today?" He brought me through another analogy. There's a friend X whom I've drifted away from recently, and God posed the question back to me, "Are you mad/angry/upset at X for letting the relationship slip by? Are you ever gonna give the friendship even though it's for the thousandth try?"
And at that point, all I could think of is, "I just want X back in my life. As long as we reconcile, I don't care about the past at all. Doesn't matter where we've come from, doesn't matter how long we took to get there, as long as we get there."
And He said, "Exactly, Esther, exactly."
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